Hello #2!

10/04/24

Thank you for visiting my wonderous domain. This portion of my page is intended for people who *won't* get all weird about someone they haven't talked to in over a year, and then send a private part of my life to real people I know. It's okay if you got that wrong, I know how hard it is for you to separate internet life and your real life. The post a couple things below this is hurtful, yes. But it is inteded for one type of person only. My life is my own and I no longer care about who sees what about me! Oh how much fun life is when you aren't a creepy stalker! I'm literally frolicking in a field right now.
anyway yeah. I am incredibly mentally unwell, and anxious, and neurotic, but I have no negative feeling towards most people.

Oh simple one, doth your ignorance know no bounds?

pic.twitter.com/iKEj0DajXC

— NickyG |🍉 (@f4r_form) April 9, 2024

Hello!

02/04/24

If you're reading this and thinking 'wow this Nicky is such a weirdo, why would they write their thoughts down?':
- I am not writing this website for you and you don't really need to be here. not that I give a fuck. I am writing my thoughts down in an honest way that you will probably never be able to achieve because your head is so far up your own ass? anyway, eat shit and die, I do not talk to you for a reason, so take a hint~

02/03/24

if snow is flesh in gardens
we don't have mouths to talk about it

between avalanches
we can find our languages
between fire blankets
we can speak our language

but if snow is like skin
it pulls away so easy
break from the body
what if all stripped wood is branches
and all frozen lakes are water
then our bodies will be avalanches
then our bodies will be avalanches

Good evening!!

hi - 25/01/24

Okay, shit I have a lot to say in this one. First of all my exams are done for the first semester yay!! I get a week to do fuck all. Uhm yeah!
I really want to write down my idea for a BETTER political system. We would vote based SOLELY on policy, we wouldn't know WHO exactly is the person we vote in, we don't NEED to see them on TV, social media. I feel like a lot of the problems we're facing in politics right now is because we won't do anything about fuckers who DONT DO WHAT THE PUBLIC WANT, and I feel this is almost entirely due to KNOWING THEM INTIMATELY for some fucking reason?? If the onyl reason we voted someone into power was because we wanted them to DO SOMETHING for the country, we could simply REMOVE THEM FROM POWER if they didn't do the fucking THING WE WANTED THEM TO DO. Am I crazy?? This just seems like the onyl way anything is gonna get done. Anyway blah blah it's called fucken Nickyism or something idk.
Next! I want to write a script for an ASMR thing voiced by Aradia. I was thinking last night how much I would KILL for her to just talk at me until I fall asleep, so I guess I could write something and voice it? I wish I could get someone else to do Aradia's voice, so that I could actually hear it without cringing and critiquing. Maybe after I've made it and prove it's good, I can commission someone, or they'd just do it? Idk seems like a bit of fun. I really wish these awesome creative projects came easier for me to actualise. I neve rhave good ideas, and I can never make them come to fruition (due to lack of trying) It's not like I don't want to, I just CAN'T it makes me feel fucking crazy sometimes, it's like cool shit! but I just can't get myself to do it. Ugh it's the same with like not being able to be productive in a day, like I do one thing and I'm like yep! that's all i'm doing for today, get ready for rotting in your room the rest of the time.. fuck...
I wrote a bunch of depressing shit here but it got too much to have publicly. summary is im depressed as shit. fuck you. yes you. just kidding.

I was wrong about MADLO

27/12/23

It's great, it's amazing, and it's definitely not as "closed off emotionally" as I thought initially. I genuinely thought 'Making a Door Less Open' was referencing Will closing off his personal life from his songs, LIKE AM I CRAZY?? I have now istened like 20 times in the last couple months and I think it'll stay in my cycle for a while.

I read Chouette

I can't bring myself to review, but here's a thought - 25/12/23

Merry Christmas! I read the book Chouette by Claire Oshetsky about motherhood, and raising 'owl-babies' it was truly a beautiful novel. I can't really put into words how I feel about it, nor do I have the energy after blasting through it: It was parasitic. I don't know how, but I feel like the book has changed how I will face life, and love, and the people around me. I would be fascinated to know the parallels of the fantasy and Oshetsky's true experience. It feels incredibly personal, and a tad voyeuristic, especially since I'm reading after watching Patricia Taxxon's videos, and knowing her face the whole time. If I'm reading this in a few years or months or whatever, I IMPLORE YOU to read the book again, maybe more academically. Get some thoughts out! Explore this book! Anyway., love you, bye.
I don't have any hope left, but the weather is nice.

Eating porridge at 22:53

05/12/23

I need professional help. I am miserable.

Enjyoing life!!!

/j - 21/11/23

Little boy born without a mother or a father
Taken to the river and then pushed into the water
And the priests are singing that the hell was getting hotter

Does anyone else get really obsessed over people? To the point where you aren't sure at the time whether it's a crush, or just an extreme want to be that person's friend and be around them all the time and having fun? Just me?

06/11/23

Thinking-

about stuff - 05/11/23

I'm just thinking about this one time I was chilling with my school friends. I just want to chronicle this really. It must have been like May, or April? I think we were talking about a movie, or something where sexual thjemes were involved, and friend #1, who is asexual, was feeling uncomfortable, understandably. My problem with it was that I couldn't discuss what I wanted to discuss with them, because she would sort of clam up and say 'that's gross!' n shit. I would describe her behaviour as being just plain childish? So I was saying 'it's not that weird' and shit like that when suddenly friend #2 chimes in saying 'don't you understand why she doesn't like it??' which REALLY pissed me off. One, because I KNOW she's asexual, which is what he was implying I didn't know. He made it seem like maybe I didn't know this because 'I'm an outsider', 'I'm not as close to her as he is'. Two, because her being asexual wasn't the point I was pressing it, but because she was being childish about a subject I wanted to discuss with other adults? This probably makes me seem like an asshole tbh, but I don't care, because it was different to me in my head. So anyway, I shout at him, friend #2, and say 'Of course I fucking understand', somehting like that, everyone goes silent, and I just have to leave the room, and I think I left to go sit in the cemetary. They really just hated me, never invited me to anything, never hung out outside of school really. I understand I have a really high expectation on friends, a small distinction in my head between friends and romantic partners, but I just always felt like an outsider, unloved, and like they'd prefer to be anywhere but around me. Anyway, I really just wanted to write this down, because otherwise details might become less and less clear in my head. I already don't remember a lot of the event, but rather the feeling of desperation, despair, and misery.
edit 24/11: I found an old text message to another friend talking about how this upset me, and it was actually a conversation about fanfiction. friend #1 was saying how she doesn't like fanfiction, after friend #3 was joking about it. Apparently, what I was about to say was that I like fanfiction sometimes, and hating the entire concept was pretty closed minded, and then friend #2 interrupts. Idk I wanna forget this, but they really jsut seemed to hate me. I need to see a therapist.

I LOVE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

02/11/23

I watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show with the lgbt society, and I LOVED IT. It just feels so cathartic to watch such a fun, androgynous movie. I can't really describe how much I feel. I intend to watch it some more to really chase that feeling, though. I also made a mario mpreg image and submitted it to my chem lecturer's competition, so I'm hoping that goes down well with him. It was filled with a bunch of AI "art" and I felt it was important to create somehting that stands out from that. Something only a real human could make. I painted my nails this week. It was just for fun, and because Louis had done so too for his Gerard Way costume, but if any flatmates had asked, I woulda told them it was for halloween. Still not on great terms with them, but maybe getting better, just cos I'm around them a bit more. They at least don't expect anything from me. I'm really enjoying being able to walk randomly around campus to listen to youtube videos, and to just sit in some random fuckass building anywhere just for no reason. Truly a priveleged experience; I will try my best to treasure it. I haven't read any of the books I brought with me. I'm conflicted, for some reason, about reading them or not. I love the books, but maybe the investment of starting them, anew or again, is too much for me right now. Reflection on my life took a while to get back into, as I was getting settled into uni life, so we'll see what happens I guess. Bank account is truly gonna take a hit around christmas this year, unlike any other year lol. Weird having friends. That's what my Welsh Grant is for, I guess. anyway, enough writing, I'll get back if I think of anything, or if I write any more music? we'll see.
I've seen, oh, blue skies. Through the tears in my eyes. And I realise. I'm going home

Hangin out!

-with friends - 25/10/23

I got to hang out with my Invader Zimmy friends again today! I just call them that because that's the reason we're giving for meeting up. I really enjoy having friends here at Uni, and I really just get to giggle and relax with them. We watched zim, and then just mainly talked about our interests for the rest of the time. It sort of feels like I'm a different person (AGAIN) around them, but it doesn't feel exhausting to be this persona, it's just relaxing to be able to giggle and be weird with them. Here I go, being all self-analytical again, but it's strange how many different ways I can socialise, and a lot of them feel right. Is this idea that pretending to be someone your not being exhausting actually even true? Can I be so many different 'me's and still be able to truly be myself? I don't know! But it feels fine at the moment. Maybe this learnt idea isn't accurate? Anyway, I had a really good time, and I'm glad I got to find my people. Take that, Past-Nicky!!! Present-Nicky scores again !!!!
But when? When? When? When? When? When? When will I ever learn?

16/10/23

Too often feeling sex-repulsed and hypersexual

Thought you should probably know: my name is Multiple Computer Mark

MULTIPLE COMPUTERS, HE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM HE'S GOT TWO COMPUTERS! - 08/10/23

I've been listening to Will Toledo's entire discography, and oh boy, do I feel powerful!! Getting a full look at Will's musical journey really exaggerates his new direction. I feel a much stronger connection to him, and everything he's done. I just love him, as portrayed through his music. Will sings about everything I feel and I can't fully express as elegantly as he can. Sometimes it feels weird staring into his early life like his Mr Yay Okay stuff. Just messing around with friends, it feels too personal for me to be listening in on...
I'm in university now, and Car Seat Headrest is sort of anchoring me at the moment. It feels so strange to be here, in a flat. I have to be here for a year. Being in this seat right now, at this desk, in this university accommodation marks the point where I will (likely) never be able to just be at home at my parents house. From now on I have to live by myself. There is (likely) no going back and that fucking terrifying!!! I'm trying to go along with the absurdity of the situation we're in, but making friends is hard, and my brain tells me everyone hates me all the time. I'm thinking of going to the GP on campus to see if I can get help there? I've already had to speak to student support about a 'toilet incident' we won't go into, and that worked out nicely. They didn't solve anything, but it felt good to get it out. I'm gonna be fine, I know I am. It's just, getting through each day is gonna be the puzzle. As they say, let's take this one step at a time, I guess..
Will it be like before?
Will it ever be the same?
If we reuse the cels

Amsterdam trip

28/08/23 - 01/09/23

I am fucking exhausted but I have a few things to say. First, about the city: It was... tourist-y. Obviously, I was the tourist but god damn so much of the center of the city is built entirely for tourists. To be fair, I was doing a few touristy things like a canal ride, but most of my trip was spent inside the van Gogh museum and the Reijksmuseum. Like I cannot imagine being a normal person working in the center it's so fucking busy and every shop is selling like 15 euro ice cream and we saw like two supermarkets total?? I was obviously in the wrong place to get the full picture of the pleasant part. The touristy bits aside, I am astounded by how silent the city streets get past like 6pm. Incredible. and obviously all the bikes and puiblic transport systems made me soooo happy like aaaaa you could get a bus anywhere only waiting like 5 minutes.
Onto my more personal experience, I am so fucking emotionally exhausted like my dad can be sooo draining to deal with. For one, he's technologically illiterate like he can't do anything with his phone, and I never noticed this before? He was fumbling for like 10 minutes outside the Reijksmuseum to get the tickets up on his phone. And he's soo bad with finding his way around, like the amount of times he's been like confused abotu where something is when there's a sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. He would've ended up in Berlin istg if I wasn't there to help him find the right train. I can deal with this stuff, but it's a good thing we were only there for 3 days. It was fine when we were actually there, but in the car journey home, there were people talking about issues on the radio and he just has to belittle them and their issues for some reason, like this lesbian mother was like, 'I thought it would be a bigger deal when we had our child but we're the same as anyone else' and he goes 'so she realised she's not unique they have to find some other standard to break now!' like oh my god. But anyway, I did enjoy most of the trip I'm just so tired and I had to get these negative thoughts off my chest like ugh... thanks anyway buhbye. Ooh also I move to my uni room on the 22nd yippeeeee

PetroDragonic Apocalypse; or, Dawn of Eternal Night: An Annihilation of Planet Earth and the Beginning of Merciless Damnation.

20/08/23

It's a masterpiece do I need to say more. It's perfect.

qucik thought

30/07/23

Feeling sleepy all day. Started watching JoJo's again. Listening to Bloody Ripper at full blast. Good day? Sort of...

cycle.png

23/07/23

some of my posts really make it look like im going through it, huh. but, really, I only think to post when I remember, and feeling down makes me remember about my website. So you aren't exactly seeing the times i'm feeling great!
To seem you're in me and over me
Relief in all things

Depressing thought I had

15/07/23

"can i really keep doing this for 60 more years" really hit me hard in abigail thorn's coming out video. not in a trans way but in the way I can't see my life being worth living unless I can figure out how to make art or if a chemistry job is interesting enough... I'm not a suicidal person but could I really live through 60 years of this? Music is fun and Chemistry is so cool, from my current perspective it all seems... worthless?

funeral trip was hell... on a stick... so a more convenient form of hell i suppose, if that's a plus... - 30/06/23

New News

News - 27/06/23

Hello everyone.
Yesterday my Granny died. From what: i don't know. I didn't know her that well but she was loving and kind from what I remember. I didn't get to see her while she was demented, because I was revising for my exams, which was probably a blessing because I get to remember her in her 'prime'. I go to the funeral on Thursday, which means a big car journey tomorrow. We also put my cat to sleep last Wednesday. Malcolm had a big cancerous growth somewhere, and refused to eat or drink, it was depressing to see him shrink in mass. That was the first time I had cried in maybe a couple years as far as I can remember. All I want is for the rest of this summer holiday to be eventless, and I can completely focus on university in September. Thanks for sticking with me and reading this. :)
My lonely wings are ready for flight
The ocean is breathing between you and I
My lonely wings don't make it right
Wrapped in a steel sheet and ready to fly

Is there a real observable difference between feeling emotions, and being programmed to simulate them? In a way, we're socially programmed to feel feelings at certain times, and in another way, we can sometimes pretend something so hard it becomes true?

good afternoon girls and gays, philosophy man comes to wreck your shit - 13/06/23

Update!

Woops - 11/06/23

Shit! I should probably update and say that I'm fine. Sorry to anyone who opened my website immediately to find me talking about how I wa on the verge of a depressive episode. I'm okay! Sort of. My exams aren't over and I still feel like I'm in limbo emotionally. Like I don't feel great but I also am not moping, so yeah I'm good I would say. I think watching Spider-verse helped me a bit: Those kinds of films give me a sweet little insight into the fact that life is just fine. I have big dreams for the future! I'm off to Bath University if I get the grades I want, and hopefully I'll find some friends there to start a band with, that would be so rad. Or just find some friends who have common interests. I really hope I can get along with my flatmates. I didn't put LGBTQIA+ accomodation preference because I think my parents would probably find out somehow and not sure how they would feel. But hopefully they'll be chill! I kinda hope it'll be a lot of people so it doesn't feel like we're stuck together. idk though I'm pretty easy about a lot of these kinds of things. We will literally see. Slay you later boys and gals.
In the morning, we will
Rise, rise, rise!
And we will
Rise, rise, rise!
In that bright blessed morning, we will
Rise, rise, rise!

I feel like I've been on the verge of a depressive episode, and I'm only keeping myself from it out of of pure desperation to wait for my exams to be over first.

not good - 28/05/23

I'm probably just tired
I'll love you again in the morning

GODAMN

Bitch stfu - 27/05/23

Some family friends came over, and I love them to bits, but GODDAMN the way my parents and they talk about 'the lgbtqia-whatevers' and their pronouns. It makes me fucking upset, and I just have to sit there and pretend like 'uh huh it sure is confusing to call someone a pronoun', because they don't know that I'm a FAGGOT or whatever. For fucks sakes, my parents would be progressive HEROES if they just didn't cling on to bullshit christian views, THESE GUYS TOO. All love to my Auntie, whose worst story with a 'transgender' was this guy who got misgendered, and he came to her for support, so my auntie gave it to him, like bless you. BUT MY DAD, '-and you're terrified to get it wrong or they'll complain!' like YEAH, THEY WILL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?? TRY TO NOT MISGENDER SOMEONE MAYBE?? IT'S NOT HARD FOR FUCKS SAKES. I left to fill the dishwasher and accidentally spiked a FORK UNDER MY THUMB NAIL, this shit was the worst. I'm upstair now they'r talking about how kitchens were designed for women. oh my god yall this is just embarassing...

>Cmon, sexual desires, SPEAK!
"I want to hold you tight"

another dream story - 14/05/23

I just remembered that last week I had a dream where I was killed. Like I had decided to completely shut off my brain. This person I think I knew put a thing on my head, and my brain was just shut off, I didn't remember anything. Not in a funny way, I was basically crying when I woke up. I was reminded of this by this meme, this is exactly how it felt after my brain was turned off in my dream:

I had a dream of a *woman*

I had a romantic dream for maybe the first time? It was about this girl I know irl. Not the one you're thinking of, or I guess, the one I would normally think of, but not really, fuck this is weird. Anyway, I had the same kind of nervous personality as Quentin, and she, Margo, from Paper Towns (this is the book I'm reading at the moment. it's pretty good check it out) I guess I kind of do have similar qualities to Q, but her as Margo? Maybe in slight ways, but not even in my head. She's pretty cool, and she smiles at me a lot, but I don't know why she was assigned that kind of personality, because I just don't see her like that. Neither of us were very sure of wanting to be in the relationship, like 'do I know you enough yet?' I reckon she took on my own indecisive aspects in my dream. Our interactions were cute though. She got me to press this button under a vending machine for a free drink, but we got caught by the school 'security guard'. I want to note I saw her later in the day, and she said she wished she could do some of the stuff I do in art, and that she really admires it, and she smiled at me. I'm not sure if she really means it, but I appreciate it. She also talked to me on Wednesday before our chemistry prac. I guess it's just the fact that, other than my friends, no one interacts with me, but she's nice.

Hello just checking in

sorry - 09/05/23

I've had nothing really to say!! I'm so exhausted after every day from revising in school, and I REALLY just want to chill out. I'm struggling keeping positive, I really don't want to fall into a depressive state JUST BEFORE EXAMS LIKE COME THE FUCK ON. It's hard though, I keep thinking about how I'm not really gonna miss the friends I have at school when I move to uni? It sounds really fucked to say, but it just stresses be out so much trying to be their person all the time, because when I act like myself, I get put the fuck down? And like, I know I'm brash and probably annoying as fuck, but I feel like there should be a little more wriggle room for me to be goofy before being called a bitch. To be fair, they only said I acted bitchy sometimes, after I asked them if they hated me, when I was drunk; they replied I was bitchy sometimes is what I mean. Ooh hooh I see where this is going, brain! Point is, I feel like I'm always trying to appease them, and it's stressful, and I so badly want irl friends who just enjoy my company?? and like, hang out just for the sake of hanging out idk. Sorry if you see this Bortie, i love you. Let's hang out more irl. Anyway, point is, point is, I'm going to uni!! and I'll make new friends and it will all be better there!!!! Let's just get through these fucking exams, shall we? fuck....
Farm colossal. Wake the fossil. In the fields of beef

I really fucked myself up today huh

holy shit - 01/05/23

and just before exams start, too? not my proudest day. fuck me.
I thought it would solve everything. I thought it would. But it didn't

I feel happy

30/04/23

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and smiled at myself. I liked how I looked, I enjoyed myself with friends, I got on with myself creatively. I'm having a good time at the moment, and I'm realising the stark contrast from like 2 months ago, before I'd even made this website. I was in a pretttty bad place mentally. I don't wanna talk about it, but I think it's worth recognising how good I feel today!

Thought again hi it's me

26/04/23

The video essay I watched last week on the Visceral Femininity of Bloodborne has seriously affected me!! I feel like it really put into words what I'd been trying to verbalize about women and how women are just as much MONSTERS WITH CLAWS AND TEETH AND BLOOD AND HOWL AT THE MOON as any guy??? IF NOT MORE??? grrrr go watch the video, I still can't verbalize it really...
HOLY SHIT ALSO NEW CAR SEAT HEADREST ALBUM CMING OUT SOON I'M SO EXCITED, I REALLY HOPE IT'S A BIT MORE ARTFUL THAN MADLO... PLAEASE. Not to say it's bad, but it's soooo boring to me. I'm gonna listen again, but I realy hope the next is more thoughtful..
The Ancients saw it coming. You can see that they tried to warn them in the tales that they told the children.

the "baa baaaaaa ba ba" and spoken word sections of Famous Prophets (stars) holy shit.

I can't stop singing today - 21/04/23

The welling of the music at this point is so emotional, and I have such a soft spot for spoken word sections of songs, OMG I LOVE IT SO MUCH I LOVE CSH I LOVE TWIN FANTASY I LOVE FAMOUS PROPHETS
And when the mirror breaks, I wouldn't miss it for the world. Call it blackstar. Call it painstar. The same thing happens when you touch it

Lack of understanding feminism from young girls.

An observation - 20/04/23

I've noticed twice now from girls in my art class, that they choose themes such as 'body positivity' or 'gender equality' to explore feminist ideas and womanly strength, and then months later, they sort of stray from that idea. One girl chose specifically 'insecurities', a theme which has tons of ways to explore, like how women are supposedly meant to have perfect skin and are meant to be 'skinny'. When the project came to a close, perhaps from lack of motivation to do work, or complete misunderstanding of the theme, she ended up with a completely surface level examination. She created self portraits, where merely a few freckles were visible, and for her final piece, she painted lovers' hands being pulled away from each other. To be fair, they were skillfully painted, but where was the feminist idea she had in mind to begin with? Where was the challenging of gender norms? The other girl chose 'gender equality', specifically looking at women doing jobs that are typically seen as 'men's jobs'. She chose to explore her Mother, who is a metalworker. From what I heard from the teacher's deconstruction, she had veered completely off the path, entirely misunderstanding the theme. Could I go out on a limb, and suggest that young girls, while passionate and eager for women's rights, don't entirely understand what it means? It seems to me these two simply had a surface level understanding of the idea, and weren't aware of it's complexities. Or, perhaps they were unmotivated to do art work, which y'know, it's long, stressful, I don't blame them. I hope this doesn't seem patronising, I'm not trying to judge them as people, or insinuate that feminists 'don't know what they're talking about.' I merely noticed this today and wanted to share.
'Get a job!' Joe lying in bed while all his friend chant, 'you must've done something wrong.'

don't get burned, it makes it easier - 18/04/23

YA HEART'S A MESS
YOU WON'T ADMIT TO IT
IT MAKES NO SENSE
BUT I'M DESPERATE TO CONNECT

quick

17/04/23

Something I really want, but I know I'll probably never buy is a drum kit. I want so badly to learn drums properly on a cool acoustic kit and just make some really experimental shit. Idk I probably wouldn't use it as much as I should and I wouldn't be able to think of anything once I have it. Such is my curse.. and you! You can't live like this.

She don't use Instagram she be usin' Shannongram.

obsession - 15/04/23

Nuke Radio: we'll make your eardrums bleed.
Nuking is now legal worldwide. I just shove a nuke up my pussy. The shadow people live in your walls.

IT'S 4/13 BITCH

I love the homestuck community so goddamned much. - 13/04/23

I just watched the 1993 Mario Movie, which I didn't know was even at all related to homestuck, but I get it now, and then Con Air, starring Nic Cage. I can't be bothered to write reviews, but just fucking know: Those two movies are so fucking great I love them so much, I will watch them every yaer if I can. Like???? Mario Movie: oBSCENELY GOOD. Con Air: fUCKING BANGER ACTION YEAH HELL YEAH. IDK what to say I'm just astounded by how much the Homestuck community is bonded. I'm so glad I could be a part of it this year. Happy 4/13. See yall next year.

Really trying not to think about how there are worms inside me rn

Gross warning ahead - 12/04/23

So remember how I was saying I was really sick this last week? Yeah it's pinworms. There's a parasite fucking leeching on whatever I fucking eat. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it's fucking disgusting. They take 2 weeks to hatch from the eggs so a big FUCK YOU to Nicky 2 weeks ago, for whatever unsanitary thing youd did? Like wtf even could he have done to give ME fucking worm eggs. God, I'm just angering myself now. Anyway, worms, look them up. I love them in a jar. Get the fuck out of my lower intestines. No more drinking river water or licking my toilet seat anymore i guess. P.S. I have taken pills to kill them.

You know it's a good song when you can really just fucken drown in it's glory. Will you shed no tears for broken me?

Quick thought

Personal thought - 11/04/23

The idea that personality is concrete and will never change had been devastating to me, personally. I constantly feel like I'm being disingenuous when I don't feel like I'm living up to the perosnality I associate with my self. I realise now how much a person can change in tiny spans of time, and I need to apply this realisation to myself, I think. Though I also have seen how little a person can change, and how devastating that can be, mostly to me, I guess, I'm not sure if it affects them at all. I won't heal given time.

The reaction 'Cugte' as in Cute but weirder is so stuck in my head i can't get it out get it out.

TITLE HEADING

I'm back it's back the website is back - 10/04/23

I'm back, I tried to upload the fucking Mario Movie to a page for some reason, and my site got removed. I'm back, and I lost all my shit so yippee.. I'm very pissed off, and all I could get back was this archive from the waybackmachine. OH WELL. To brighter futures and greater websites ig.